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Viva Las Possums/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know what a pain it is to be driving along and you need to look at the map, but maybe it blew out the sun roof? Or it's stuck to the floor in the aftermath of some type of a beverage spill? Well, here's a better idea. Duct tape the map right to the hood of the car. That way you always know where it is when you wanna find it. I guess another solution would be to stop and ask for directions. [ chuckle ] I don't see that happening in my lifetime. Okay, let's give her a try. First thing, you head out on your trip. Then when you wanna check your map, you just pull on the hood release. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. I appreciate that. Well, I just got a clean bill of health from the doctor. Well, I didn't actually go to the doctor. I was testing my blood pressure on one of those machines. I pushed the button, and thing just kept getting tighter and tighter and tighter... So finally I just yell out, and the pharmacist comes over and unplugs the machine, but she doesn't loosen it off at all. So then they called 911. A couple of paramedics come over. One of them had to cut the thing off. I noticed the other paramedic, a guy I haven't seen for 20 years, he looked at me, he says, you know, you look pretty good. So I feel real good. Uncle red. [ cheering and applause ] I'm so excited. I'm completely ready. I've got everything ready for the fabulous '50s weekend festival. Oh, refresh my memory on that one, harold. You know, it's when we invite all the city folk up to possum lake, and they can relive the fabulous '50s. So does everyone from town have to get clothes and hairstyles from '50s? No, they've pretty much got that covered already. I'm having trouble getting entertainers. Everyone I'm seeing is really bad or really old. Most of them are both. Well, come on, harold. There are a lot of great entertainers from the '50s who are still performing. Yeah, but they won't be here. Well, what about that rompin' ronnie hawkins? He played here. Maybe he could tell the others about possum lake. He did. That's why they won't be here. Doesn't matter. Instead we're having an elvis impersonation contest! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah, you -- you -- you should sign up and represent members of the lodge. You. I'll put you down. I'm not gonna be in that, harold. Why? Why? You'd make a great -- come on! You'd make a great elvis. Bust a move for us. Come on. Bust a move. Read my hips, harold. It's not gonna happen, okay? But it is lunch time, so I'm off to grease land. I dunno. I think red green would make a great elvis. Red green has left the building. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] if you like saunas, you're love tonight's prize. Our winner will walk away with 200 hours of sauna fun from fat jack's house of steam. All 200 hours must be used in one visit. Okay, cover your ears, ed. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to get animal control officer ed frith to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And go! Okay, ed, if you see somebody strutting around and bragging, you say the person is full of... Alcohol. No, no, no. Okay, when the company is hiring, this is the main thing they look for in their employees. Desperation. Now, you work with animals, right? Now, what is it that you have that allows you to do that? Medical insurance. No, this is like a characteristic, like a leadership quality. This is what leaders have. Oh, contempt. No, this is a good thing. I mean, if you had this, you'd be a completely different person. Sex change? Uh, you guys are almost out of time. Okay, ed, remember when you had that cougar cornered in flinty mcklintock's barn? I know there was a big fight, but at the end you got that cat into the cage, right? That took a lot of... Blood transfusions. Let me tell you, if I'd known that was in the barn -- okay, okay. Okay, ed. What is it about you that makes you a good animal control officer? Nothing. I hate the job. Scares me to death. But I don't have the confidence to try anything else. [ applause ] w.W.F. Style announcer: Sucking sewage isn't all glamour and glitter. Winston here. Hm-mm. I'm on my way! Announcer: At rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services we know that each decision can mean the difference between life and death. [ dramatic music ] announcer: We're serious about sewage, and we know sometimes every second counts. [ ♪♪ ] announcer: Even though we take it away, every once in a while, we like to give a little back. Rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services, we don't just suck. [ applause ] now, I dont really enjoy a salad. I have more of a hunter mentality. I only like to eat things I have to chase. But there is one good thing about salads, the cheese grater. A lot of engineering in these babies, you know. You slide the material against the outside of a rotating drum that has blades cut in it. Then the shredded output is exhausted through the centre core. It's a great design. But what if it could do more than cut the cheese? You know, no matter how long you leave your christmas tree out front, the garbage man is not going to take it away. So I say, let's use the technology of the cheese grater to make ourselves a wood chipper out of this clothes dryer. First thing you wanna do is remove the door. Okay, that's 9 1/2. That's my shoe size. All right, next you wanna cut some sharp edges into the drum using a power chisel. Not because it's the right tool for the job. I just always wanted to use one of these. [ loud drilling sound ] shouting: That went well! Normal: That went well. Okay, I cut a whole whack of jagged slots in the drum. That'll do my shredding. Then the chips will just come out the door hole. I need that door hole to be pointing down. Okay, now I just need to raise the unit off the ground so there's room for the chips to pile up. Or I could just lay it down on top of the well. No, I'll raise it up. And there it is. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Did that sound okay, or was I too chipper? [ chuckles ] all right, now all I gotta do is set the controls hm, I'd say extra dry. [ applause ] I wanna speak to all the wives out there. You know, as far back as I can remember there have been men's magazines. You know what I'm talking about, "playboy," "penthouse," that kind of thing. Now, I'm not here to pass judgement one way or the other. But I bet a lot of wives don't appreciate their husbands looking at those magazines. Comparison shopping doesn't belong in the bedroom. But you know, like so many things in life, you gotta put it into perspective. I want every wife to know that there is something much more dangerous than your husband looking at men's magazines. You see, a lot of guys my age have abandoned the girlie publications, and they've replaced them with these monthly magazines that feature used trucks, boats, rvs. They're all for sale, complete with pictures, and some of them are very suggestive. Now, I figure that's gotta be a lot scarier than seeing your husband browsing through "playboy," because when he sees pictures in a men's magazine, there's no chance he's going to bring any of those home. Remember I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] [ loon calling ] you know, you boys are the luckiest guys in the world. Who's he talking to? The bait. No, you guys. You're both married. You have wives. Go on. No, that's it. You have women who care for you and look after you. Take care of your every need. No, we don't. We're married. You know, winston, marriage doesn't work exactly the way they describe it in those magazines you buy. Maybe not. I still say you're lucky. You know, I'd give up everything to find a wife. [ scoffs ] I did. Why is marriage so appealing for you, winston? I dunno. Companionship, sharing your life with someone, that's a good thing. Finding someone who'll stay overnight. You know, every night. Now, don't get carried away here, winston. You know, winston, 99% of the time when you're sleeping with someone -- yeah? You're sleeping with someone. Then there's the cold feet in the middle of your back. And worse. Muscle spasms is the reason they invented king sized beds. Well, guys, I'm in the sewage business. I'm used to making it through tough situations. Yeah, but marriage is more of a give and take, winston. You gotta meet the person half way. That's the same as in the sewage business. I mean, you gotta get a little give in the blockage; otherwise, you're gonna be backed up from here till Sunday. You know, winston, as long as you approach marriage the way you would a plugged septic system, I think you'll be fine. Just don't get sucked in. Well, everybody's getting excited about this big '50s weekend thing that harold's got planned. Funny how people remember things as being better than they were. Somebody asked me whatever happened to ursel hickey. And I said I'm sure it's cleared up by now. Uncle red, please, you have to join the elvis contest. Harold, I'm not gonna -- besides, I heard you got a ton of contestants. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Quantity I got. Quantity's never a problem up here. No, it's just when you mention the word quality the room gets awfully quiet. Well, it doesn't matter, harold. As long as you have contestants, you have a contest. If you can't pick the best, pick the least worst. No, I wanna turn this into an annual event. If it stinks this year, no one'll ever come back. Oh, harold, it can't be that bad. Ha! Yeah! What? You stay -- okay, okay, okay, guys, come on in. What's this? [ laughter ] [ whistling and applause ] all right, harold. I see what you mean. Oh, no! Oh, no, you don't. Oh, no, not yet. Watch this. [ ♪♪ ] okay, thank you, gentlemen! Thank you very much! That's -- it's scary, really. Back to the buffet. [ applause ] come on, uncle red. You gotta be elvis. Oh, no, I'm sorry, harold. I can't help you out there. I'd like to, but I just can't -- what? $100! I don't care if you win or lose. Please, just be in the contest. Well, harold, I'm a hunk-a, hunk-a burnin' love. [ cheering and applause ] red: We had the possum lake car rally. We entered again, and I had my pit crew waiting there. And I had one last pit stop before -- and they were -- not as sharp as really you want in a pit crew. I guess you get what you pay for. So they gotta rotate all four wheels there. Put brand new tires on it. And mike's job was to clean off the windshield. And he was also gonna get me some kind of a drink and then fuel her up. Unfortunately, while mike was cleaning the windshield, he didn't notice that dalton had jacked up the whole front end there, and -- oh, boy. But they got the thing up. You know when a flatbed gets ahead of you in a race, you know it's not going well. So winston has the power wrench there. He just got that off like nothing. He's got the new tire there. He got the old one off and put the new one on. Okay, that's one done. So we're getting there. We're getting there. We're up to maybe eight seconds in. And then dalton gets the bad tire off the front. And he goes to get the new tire to put on. No, that's the old one. Uh -- and then mike brings me something to drink, which is great. And then he goes around the back to gas her up with the other bottle. Then he notices he made a little mistake. Thank you, mike. Yeah, yeah. There's plenty there. So dalton's now done. A guy on a bike has now beaten us. Okay, we're all set to go. I gotta go here. Get that jack down there, winston. Get her down. Get her down. I got no more time. Okay, this is ridiculous. I'm going. It's not that far to the finish line. There we go. No problem. No harm done. And dead last again. [ applause ] it's time for the experts' portion of the show, where we address those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Those are the three words. Okay. "dear experts, "recently I read in the paper about some guy "who has 12 wives. "how does that work? "signed, just the one." I don't know how it works, but I'd like to find out. Geez, 12 wives. Hate to see that guy's to do list. Yeah, you know, this guy and his wives, they probably belong to one of those religious sects, you know, where they allow multiple marriages. Well, which one's that? Oh, gosh, there's lots of sects. No kidding! No, this is s-e-c-t. Oh, yeah. Oh. So you guys, if you had the chance, would you have more than one wife? Well, I wouldn't mind a few more. Ann-margret, raquel welch for starters. You're the one who'd need the starter, dalton. And that girl on that "friends" show. Oh, which one? It's the show about that group of friends. No, which girl? One of the blonde ones. The pretty one. How can you marry someone you don't even know her name? I'd go through her agent. What about you, red? Would you, uh, like a bunch of different wives? Ah, no, when it comes to women, I'm more quality than quantity, especially since the surgery. You know, you could be right, but I'd die to have a bunch of women looking after me. Fat chance, huh? Ah, no, if ann marie is watching, you've got a pretty good chance at the dying part. [ applause ] well, harold's big elvis-off is tonight, and I think the king's going to be rolling over in his grave. You know, these contestants they underestimate how much talent you need to be elvis presley. You know, being 100 pounds overweight and shooting your tv set is not enough. Uncle red -- [ cheering and applause ] [ wolf whistles ] so it's come to this, has it, harold? Well, everyone else backed out. My job's on the line here. Well, you know, you make a pretty good elvis. Yeah, you really think so? Yeah, you know, if he was a little more effeminate and a geek. Okay, I don't know how to be elvis presley. Okay, well, you just gotta be king, harold. You gotta think, act and feel like you're the king. Yeah. Ah. And you gotta get the lip goin', the badboy sneer. No. No. No. There! That's it! That's it! Yeah, that's it. Well, he must've smiled sometimes. Yeah, elvis had a great sense of humour. He would smile and laugh a lot, yeah. [ singing in high-pitched voice ] no, no, I'm wrong. He didn't laugh. You know what? Spread your legs out wider. That's it. That's it. Okay, now you gotta move your hips around. Okay, do it like you're looking for a woman not a bathroom. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, yeah! That's it! You got it! That's it. [ cheering and applause ] I think so. You good? Okay, go, go, go. I'm outta here. [ possum squealing ] all right, you go ahead. I'm gonna go to the meeting. Good luck, harold, eh. As elvis: Thanks, uncle red. I'm just gonna go rock'n'roll, man. [ applause ] okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Harold is doing an elvis thing here tonight. I hope he sings "treat me like a fool." he's been rehearsing for it his whole life. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the king and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] take your seats. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Uncle red! Uncle red! I won! I won the contest. I won the elvis contest. All right, way to go, harold. [ applause ] he was the only contestant. You just wait till next year. No, you know what? If harold can win an elvis impersonator contest, it's time to move on. Maybe next year we'll have a harold impersonator contest. [ imitating harold ] [ imitating harold ] [ imitating harold ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com